


I’ve never felt much smaller, since the fall

by brandywine421



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:00:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2441171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandywine421/pseuds/brandywine421
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's Captain America and living with the consequences of his decisions is part of his job.  Friends die.  Everyone dies.</p>
<p>When his mother died, Bucky stood by him and eventually he surfaced.  He can get over this, too.  He has friends.</p>
<p>He has a cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

_Letting people down is my thing, baby,_   
_find yourself a new gig_   


Steve finds Bucky.  Well, he finds James Barnes, but he'll always be Bucky in his head.  In his heart.  
  
But James Barnes isn't Bucky.  He isn't the Winter Soldier.  He's not even a mix of both - he's a man with too many people in his head and memories that don't belong to him.  He's a man, lost and broken.  
  
He's a man with a choice and Steve, hell, he has to respect that no matter how much it hurts.  He learned that from Peggy long before he helped carry her casket from the hearse to the grave.  
  
Steve finds Bucky.  He loses him all over again when Bucky chooses to be James.  


* * *

  
Tony's talking to him.  Tony talks to him a lot.  He's so different from Howard that it's hard for him to relate them in his head anymore.  He knows Tony so much better than he ever knew Howard.  
  
This is what he needs to do with James.  
  
"You could at least pretend like you're listening and, hell, I don't even remember what I was talking about to repeat it," Tony snaps his fingers in front of his eyes.  The people in the cafe that haven't been watching them before are whispering now.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Tony's eyes are dark with concern and he's unsteady.  He can't deal with other people's concern, that's not what he needs to do.  "Why aren't you with Sam and Buck - "  
  
"James," Steve interrupts.  He doesn't choke on the word but it's enough of a slip for Tony to catch.  "He's James, not...he needs help that I can't give.  Sam's going to look after him, I trust him.  James needs time to heal and allegedly so do I."  
  
Tony leans back but he's far from relaxed.  The tension under his skin is visible now that Steve knows how the man ticks.  
  
Well, as much as anyone that Tony calls a friend can know about ticking.  
  
"I want you to come stay at the house.  Not the Tower because I don't trust you anywhere near heights right now, but somewhere you can settle, nest or whatever," Tony says.  
  
"You have a house?  I thought it was in California.  Wrecked," he adds.  He doesn't ask about the heights comment.  Tony has a thing about falling and Steve's fall was still being rerun on the news and web.  
  
Tony waves him off and the waitress misunderstands and hurries over to top off their still-brimming cups before disappearing.  "I have tons of houses, but I've been working out of the mansion.  The Tower's in the middle of the city and sometimes I blow up stuff."  
  
"I can't stay with you, Tony," Steve says even if his gut is telling him that he needs to hold on to any friends that still want to remember who he is.  He takes a breath before he can regret it.  "I'm buying a cat."  
  
Tony blinks at him.  "Okay.  So, cats."  
  
He smiles and it's nice.  "My mom loved cats.  Not the strays, even if they kept the rats at bay in the building, she'd sweep them out without a thought.  Hated them almost as much as the rats.  But fancy cats, she would cut pictures out of magazines and stick them to the fridge."  
  
Tony hums thoughtfully but doesn't tease.  Yet.  
  
He takes a sip of the coffee and appreciates the burn.  "I need something.  Something that's mine, nobody else's."  
  
"I guess you can't cuddle a shield," Tony shrugs.  
  
"The shield's Howard's, it's Bucky's, it's _America_ 's.  Not mine.  When I'm dead, somebody else will pick it up, melt it down, it's never been mine, not really."  
  
"Steve."  
  
He shakes his head to deflect the looming pity.  "My mom loved cats.  Expensive, unattainable cats.  She was gone before the war started, so I don't know if I would have made her proud.  And I don't have a wife corralling my babies to get to church on time, so I've already failed her life plan," he mutters.  "But I can buy a fancy cat.  I can buy my clothes new instead of sewing them myself.  I can have second helpings when I'm already full.  There are so many things that I can have now and I know it's ridiculous, but..."  
  
Steve sighs and wraps both hands around the coffee before meeting Tony's gaze.  "If she'd lived and I'd lived, I would have bought her a cat."  
  
"So you'll get her one now," Tony nods without a hint of judgment.  "That doesn't explain why you can't move into the house."  
  
He's surprised.  "You don't like cats."  
  
"I don't give a damn about cats, actually.  And it's not like we're sharing a room or anything, the mansion's huge and I have enough robots in my workshop to declare it mostly cat-proof.  I don't think Bruce has a problem with cats but he stays in the guest house and his lab's away from the main building," Tony shrugs.  "Come on, you can run your laps and check the walls every morning, it's an impressive estate.  I think there's even a shrubbery maze back there somewhere."  He grabs Steve's wrist and presses his fingers against his pulse point.  "Let me help you buy a cat."  
  
Steve doesn't pull away and stares at Tony's fingers, pressing hard enough to bruise a normal person.  Hard enough for Steve to feel something.  "I have to grieve Bucky before I can meet James," he whispers.  "Bucky hates...he hated cats.  The cat...it's mine.  It's not Bucky's, or Howard's or _America_ 's cat.  It's for my mother.  Mine."  
  
Neither of them says anything and the waitress hovers by the drink stand with her coffee pot in hand.  
  
"So you'll come?"  
  
Steve nods and Tony breaks into a grin.  "Glad that's settled.  Now, finish your waffles while I set JARVIS to work on cat-shopping.  Sorry, _fancy_ cat shopping," he adds.  
  
Steve doesn't have any old friends, not now.  Never again.  But he can have new ones.  


* * *

  
She's a beautiful cat.  The kind of cat his mother would coo for.  Cream, almost white fur with black paws, ear and tail tips.  Her eyes are crystal blue.  His mother's eyes.  
  
She's soft but not fluffy.  Friendly but not clinging.  She nips at Tony's fingers but crawls into his lap before he has a chance to frown.  
  
Steve runs his fingers down her back and she purrs.  


* * *

  
Tony never had pets, he always had robots.  But after spending a couple of weeks with a six month old Siamese kitten, he realizes why his parents made that decision.  
  
Cats are loud.  Needy.  Fucking persistent.  
  
Sure, the little monster follows Cap like a magnet, climbing him at every opportunity and perching on his shoulders to survey her surroundings for threats and play.  She's still only a baby cat but she already acted like a dog.  A puppy.  
  
Cap names her Duchess and spoils her until she actually acts like one.  Tony buys her a jeweled collar and threatens a tiara when Steve frowns at the extravagance.  He should be happy Tony’s not making him keep the diva feline outside.  
  
The damned thing is loud and wails when she can’t find Steve, waking him almost every day when Steve showers after his morning marathon.  Considering Tony’s room is on a completely separate floor – well, the thing’s _loud_.  So if he starts leaving his door cracked for the inconsolable creature to crawl into his covers during her daily abandonment, it’s just because of the noise.  He much prefers the purring to yowling.  
  
In return for his open door, the Duchess adopts him as a suitable surrogate for Steve and he’s caught her several times sitting on top of his robots as they roll around the workshop.  
  
Bruce comes to the main house more when Steve moves in and Tony’s flattered to see the doc hovering over Steve the way he’d hovered over Tony after the arc reactor removal.  He doesn’t exactly hate the cat, but they watch each other warily whenever they interact.  
  
She makes Cap better, though, and that makes her presence worth it.  
  
The first week, Steve barely says anything about Barnes to Tony or Bruce.  The second week, Tony hears him talking to the Duchess.  It’s exactly 19 days after he moves in before he brings it up to them without prompting.  
  
“Sam says he’s better.  _James_.  He’s not Bucky, but he’s not The Asset either.  It’s good news,” Steve says without looking away from the stove where he’s meticulously following a recipe on his battered tablet.  Tony glances at Bruce and then the Duchess, both sitting on stools at the counter, before he speaks.  
  
“Is it?” he asks.  
  
“I think so,” Steve says, covering today’s breakfast experiment with a lid and turning to face them.  “He has his memories, but he’s not emotionally connected to them.  That’s what he wanted.  So he knows that I was a friend of Bucky’s, but I’ve never been a friend of James’.  Bucky’s dead.  I can deal with that.  Being here in this fancy house – “  
  
“With a fancy cat,” Tony adds, earning a small smile.  
  
“It helps.  It’s helping.  I think I’m coming out of my tunnel vision.  I haven’t woken up screaming since I got the Duchess,” he admits.  “If James can get his life together without the past eating him alive, then I can do it, too.”  He turns back to the stove.  “I’m working on it.”  
  
“You’re doing great, Steve,” Bruce says quietly.  “Much better than I did when I lost my entire life to the Hulk.  You’re grieving, probably for the first time and you’re trying to make a life in a new century.  And you have a fancy cat.”  
  
The Duchess meows loudly and Steve snorts.  “Yeah.  And friends, too.  I can’t ask for anything more right now.  So, thanks.”  
  
“You can talk to us,” Bruce continues.  “I mean, you talk to the cat and I know Tony and I don't always act approachable but you can talk to us.”  
  
“I know, and I do, even if it doesn’t seem like it.  I think I talk to you guys more than I’ve talked to anyone else.  Well, I used to talk to Natasha and Sam but they’re too busy cleaning up my mess to hold my hand right now.  I need all the friends I can get.”  
  
Tony doesn’t mention the fact that he and Bruce openly stepped back from the fallout of SHIELD, leaving the mess in Natasha and Maria’s laps and keeping their heads down.  But it seems like Cap needs them to ‘hold his hand’ as much as he needs political proxies right now.  
  
“You’ve been kind of locked down for a while, have you thought about getting out of the house more?  Other than running in circles?” Tony asks as the scent of whatever delicious thing he’s cooking today finally hit their noses.  The Duchess purrs loudly.  
  
“Natasha’s coming in a couple of days and she’s going to take me shopping.  I doubt it’ll be as low stress as I’ve gotten used to but hopefully it’ll be less scary than Pepper’s trips.  I mean, who needs that many suits?”  
  
Tony raises his hand.  The Duchess raises her paw and high fives him.  Steve rolls his eyes but he’s smiling.  Tony's proud that he's taught the cat to high-five when his robots still haven't caught on.  
  
“Okay, so, try the crepes and then I’ll see if the quiche I made last night is edible for a side,” Steve says.  
  
Tony curls his arm possessively around his plate until Steve coos and moves the Duchess to the floor so she can have her morning scoop of approved cat food.  "You're going to be a great housewife someday, Cap."  
  
Steve smiles and Tony feels another knot unfurl in his gut.  Cap's going to be okay.  
  
He knows how it feels to save hundreds, even thousands of strangers, as Iron Man.  But he only remembers a few times that he's been able to help his friends as Tony.  He can always build a better suit, but that won't make him a better man.  Iron Man doesn't need Captain America, but Tony Stark needs Steve Rogers to be okay.  


* * *

  
Steve does talk to the cat.  He talks to Tony and Bruce.  He texts Natasha and Sam.  He emails Thor and Nick.  He calls Maria on the phone.  
  
But he definitely talks to the cat.  
  
It's progress, he thinks.  
  
He doesn't have Bucky by his side, but he's been on his own before.  He's never been good at making friends, he didn't have the charm of a Stark; but Bucky, Peggy and the Commandos - they were golden.  Unforgettable.  Irreplaceable.  
  
Bucky fell.  Bucky died.  The Asset, and now James, they weren't his friend.  Bucky kept his promise, he was by his side to the end of the line.  It just wasn't the end of Steve's line.  
  
James is a stranger.  He's not his friend.  Steve might not even like the guy once he meets him in person.  
  
He's Captain America and living with the consequences of his decisions is part of his job.  Friends die.  Everyone dies.  
  
When his mother died, Bucky stood by him and eventually he surfaced.  He can get over this, too.  He has friends.  
  
He has a cat.


	2. Chapter 2

  _Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world  
And bury me alive_

 

"All right, Sammy, give it to me straight.  Who the hell is Steve Rogers?  Because he's not on any of the Asset's confirmed kill lists but I hear his name, honestly, every time I walk out of a room." James asks, sprawling across his bed like he can't tell that Sam just finished making it.  
  
Sam's been expecting the question for a while but he hadn't come up with a proper response.  
  
He doesn't have a psych degree or any kind of degree to qualify him for ' _Brainwashing Recovery Specialist'_ or whatever the people that keep handing him folders think he is.  
  
He used to help vets talk about their feelings but now he's coaching assassins out of mind control.  He isn't sure he's cut out for this but Captain America needs his help and that's what he signed on for.  
  
He didn't think it would involve breaking the guy's heart but he wouldn't be here with James if Steve hadn't begged him to look after him.  
  
The search for Bucky consumed Cap, but finding James destroyed him.  Now, two months in, no one that knows James will say that it was the wrong choice, but Steve hasn't been back.  He hasn't been seen at all apart from Skype calls and corny text messages.  For the people loyal to SHIELD, not the evil side; it's a waiting game.  They want a leader, but Cap's in more pieces than James.  
  
"Sam?  Should I shut up?  You don't usually have a problem telling me to shut up.  It's that bad?"  
  
He takes a breath.  He didn't know Bucky, but he knows James.  They treat him like they would an amnesiac.  He's a fully functional human, or, well, superhuman, but whatever.  The man they found broken and dying in a burning bunker, the man with two minds warring for dominance in one body; that man consented and requested to be 'repaired'.  To be reconstructed.  Rebooted.  
  
But humans don't have System Restore programs, and James doesn't have a working source code.  Bucky and the Asset agreed on one thing - they wanted to be James.  They wanted to be new.  
  
Sam likes James.  James is a good friend, a good man.  If Bucky was anything like James - he gets why Cap wouldn't give up on him.  
  
He hopes to God that Cap will give James a chance.  
  
"Did you know him?" James asks quietly, watching him.  
  
"I still know him.  You didn't kill him.  You tried, but...he's from your past.  Your original one," Sam says, sitting down on the armchair Agent Norman had smuggled into the barracks for him.  
  
"Bucky was born in 1917, is he dragging him on Twitter from a retirement home?" James asks after a long beat.  
  
Sam snorts.  "Steve doesn't like Twitter.  He's a legend, a living one."  They encourage James to compartmentalize, to think about Bucky and the Asset as separate people - not himself.  James is his own person.  "We're not supposed to prompt you to remember."  
  
"I know, and you know that I probably won't remember even if you do prompt me.  But you're allowed to summarize," James says.  "It's a big deal, just from the way you reacted.  I think I need to know a little context if you don't want me to get low self-esteem."  
  
Sam flips him off and James smiles, visibly relaxing.  "Are you sure?"  
  
"Positive," James nods.  He sits up, sober now that he's picked up how heavy the topic of Steve's going to be.  
  
"You can't do anything about it.  Steve's my friend, my really fucking good friend," Sam starts.  "He's the reason I'm here right now."  
  
James holds his breath.  "You're not like the others.  You're not SHIELD.  It's one of the reasons I trust you more than the rest, but what does he have to do with it?"  
  
"Steve Rogers is Captain America," he says.  
  
James turns his eyes down, processing.  "Oh.  Bucky was his best friend.  The Asset was supposed to kill him.  He...oh.  He found me."  
  
"Bucky was more than a friend to Steve.  He was a brother.  Steve would die for him, the Asset proved that point.  Cap didn't give up until he found you.  He thought he was getting Bucky back.  He's...disappointed.  He means a lot to a lot of people and all they know about the situation is that you're the guy that broke his heart.  It's not your fault.  It's not Bucky or the Asset's fault - it's all on HYDRA but he's not ready to meet you and that unsettles a lot of people.  Captain America exposed HYDRA and got a shit-ton of people arrested for treason.  Then he went on a blind rampage to find his best friend and when he finally does - he splits."  
  
"So he's missing?" James interrupts.  
  
"He's on sabbatical.  He was frozen for a few decades, so his 1940's angst is still pretty close to the surface.  He lost a lot of people, all his friends, but he only got to go to one of their funerals.  I'm here because he can't be.  He knows Bucky's gone, that's not the problem.  The guy's got a lot going on and you're wearing his dead brother's face."  
  
"You can stop.  I get it.  I can't believe I didn't connect Steve Rogers to Captain America."  
  
Sam hesitates. "We may have censored some of your lessons.  'Find and Replace' worked wonders replacing 'Steve' with 'Captain'."  
  
"Asshole.  What else have you - "  
  
He levels his gaze at James.  "This isn't about Bucky, this is about you."  
  
James takes a shallow breath.  "I should talk to him, though.  If he believes I'm a cool guy, maybe..."  
  
"Sorry, bro.  That's up to Steve.  It'll happen, but he's not ready for all that yet.  Are you?"  
  
His eyes flashed.  "If you're asking if I feel Bucky, then no.  But you should probably uncensor my lessons if you want to make sure he stays out of my head."  He takes a deep breath before he meets Sam's eyes again.  "I want to be ready when the Cap's ready.  I want him to be glad he saved me even thought he couldn't save Bucky."  
  
Sam nods.  "Okay.  We'll work on that.  And I'll make sure people know that you've been told so they won't have to whisper about him behind your back.  I can't promise everyone will be nice about it..."  
  
"They shouldn't have to be.  I'm James now, but part of my recovery is accepting that I wasn't always James."

* * *

  
"Christ, what is the Duchess crying about now?" Tony mutters when the cat's yowling echoed through the house.  
  
Steve's already on his feet with the same question.  The Duchess has gotten much better with her constant meowing, smart enough to figure out when to use her piteous meows for full effect at mealtimes and playtimes.  "Watch the stove and don't touch anything," he warns Tony over his shoulder.  
  
This is a different kind of meow and he skids to a stop in the front foyer where she's pacing and yowling by the door.  "Duchess - "  
  
She cuts off mid-yowl and scampers up his leg with unforgiving claws until he scoops her up.  "What is it?"  
  
The front door opens slowly and Natasha peeks in with a confused expression.  "Damn, Rogers, what the hell is that thing?"  
  
The Duchess hisses, her short fur stiffening as she arches with anger under his arm.  
  
"I got a cat," Steve replies.  "What did you do to her?"  
  
"I guess she didn't like me trying to climb through the window.  But she is an effective security defense if she caught me before the sensors did.  The mansion would have failed inspection if not for her," Natasha says.  The Duchess hisses angrily.  
  
"You probably should use the door next time.  Come on, I made breakfast," he offers.  The Duchess hisses and actually spits at Natasha a few times as they walk but she settles once they are in the kitchen and climbs to her favorite spot by curling around his neck on his shoulders.  
  
Natasha watches him without looking at Tony when he greets her.  "You have a cat."  
  
"A fancy cat," Tony chimes in.  "She runs the main house, so you'll have to make friends if you expect to come back."  
  
Natasha's one of his closest friends and he's genuinely glad to see her.  He misses her deadpan jokes and invaluable advice.  He's worried about her being on her own without a compass or a tether.  He hasn't been fair to her; too obsessed with Bucky and then too upset about James.  
  
"It's a whole _thing_ but it works for him.  Don't sit there, that's her stool," Tony warns and Natasha aborts her choice of seat and moves to one over.  She seems amused and he's slightly relieved that she's relaxed enough to be amused.  
  
"How are you?" Steve asks.  He crouches down and urges the Duchess off his shoulders, dropping a few treats into her bowl before serving today's experiment.  
  
"Starving," she replies, her eyes lighting up.  "I didn't fully believe you when you said you were learning to cook."  
  
"You will once you taste it, the guy's got a career as a chef if the whole supersoldier thing doesn't work out," Tony mutters a moment before he attacks the omelet.  
  
"How long can you stay?" Steve hesitates.  
  
She takes a tentative bite from her fork and slowly smiles.  "Keep feeding me like this, and I'll move in."  
  
"I don't know if we can handle two high maintenance women in the house," Bruce says as he joins them.  "Good to see you, Romanoff," he adds, kissing her cheek before taking the last empty stool.  
  
"The Duchess isn't high maintenance," Steve says, leaning down to pet her and smiling at her loud purr of approval.  
  
"I can see that," Natasha smirks.  "Why a Siamese?"  
  
"Because they're fancy," Bruce shrugs.  
  
"His mom liked them," Tony says quietly and she doesn't mention it again.  At breakfast.  He knows Natasha will try and peel him raw later.  
  
She's been taking his hits for months and even if she's unequivocally a friend and ally now, he hasn't been there for her in the way she deserves.  
  
He's better now.  It's almost time for his break, or breakdown as it were, to be over.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ball so hard motherfuckers wanna fine me_

 

Everyone pulls their guns when Nick steps into the main room.  Steve didn't know Bruce even carried a gun until he's pointing it at ex-Director Fury.  
  
"So much for a guard-cat," Tony mutters as the Duchess trots in and rubs herself around Nick's legs affectionately.  
  
"I know you have my number to call first, Nick.  Do I want to know how you got in?" Steve asks, tucking his gun away and shaking his hand.  
  
"Probably not.  Stark.  Dr. Banner," Nick greets with a small nod to Natasha.  She raises her chin but doesn't speak.  There's water between them that's not under the bridge.  
  
"What's the occasion for the haunting?" Tony questions, but he's relaxed on the couch again.  
  
He knows his friends, even Natasha, don't like the idea of him putting trust in Nick but he has to go with his gut and after the fall of SHIELD, his gut tells him that Nick's a good man underneath the lies.  
  
"I wish it was a social call," Nick says, taking the unclaimed seat and accepting the Duchess' attention when she crawls into his lap for pets.  
  
"Cap's still on a break," Natasha speaks for the first time.  
  
Nick nods.  "I know that and I'm not here to give him a job.  I'm not the boss anymore."  
  
Steve sits but doesn't relax.  "What is it?"  
  
"Coulson's going to come to you soon and try to snag you back into helping him rebuild SHIELD.  He's going to dangle a job in front of you, one he knows you won't turn down.  I don't think it should wait until he gets his speech together," Nick says.  He reaches into his trenchcoat, no longer leather but still long and useful for storing weapons and secrets.  He holds out a thin folder.  
  
"That's an AIM logo," Tony says before Steve gets his fingers on the cover.  
  
Fury sighs and for once, Steve can see his age.  "Killing the man in charge doesn't always end up killing the movement.  They went underground, and they have powerful allies."  
  
"Fuck," Natasha hisses when Steve flips open the file.  
  
Tony's vibrating, with rage or stress or both, when he sits down beside him to scan the pages.  Tony doesn't talk much about the Mandarin incident, but he's said enough for Steve to know how deep his anger goes at what they'd done to his friends.  
  
"I trust Phil, but I'm familiar with the kinds of deals that have to be made to set up an operation like this.  There are too many rats still in the walls for me to trust the US government getting involved.  He didn't tell me himself.  Several people expressed their concern that a certain billionaire might go rogue if he found out last."  
  
"Not rogue, he'd have backup," Bruce says quietly.  
  
"I know that, but I'm better at keeping secrets than the fledglings on Coulson's list.  Speaking of secrets, I have news about Barton."  
  
Natasha's eyes snap to him.  The Duchess purrs in their general direction, breaking the silence.  "He's HYDRA.  You - "  
  
"It wasn't my call," Nick replies, not dropping her heated gaze.  "He went under without a handler, without contacting anyone.  When the strike team he was assigned with got the call from HQ, he fell into line like a good soldier.  He wasn't brainwashed, just a fucking idiot."  
  
"What?  He was undercover?" Steve asks.  "How could you not know that?"  He hasn't let himself think about the traitor he'd called his friend.  Bucky was brainwashed, but he was told Barton was HYDRA of his own free will.  
  
"He's better at it than I thought," Nick admits.  "He burned out seventeen HYDRA bases in South America before I caught up with him."  
  
"On his own?  Why wouldn't he - " Steve starts but Natasha exhales heavily, an inverted gasp that catches everyone's attention.  Steve puts his hand on her knee and squeezes until she looks at him and takes a breath.  If Barton's clean, things are already better.  
  
"He was a little pissed off about being used to slaughter innocent people again," Nick says.  "He doesn't trust me and he refuses to debrief with anyone that's not you or Natasha.  He's staying at Maria's but he's barely speaking to anyone else."  
  
"If that were true, he would've come to one of us," Steve frowns.  
  
Nick waves his hand and the Duchess swats at him.  "Natasha's a headliner on CNBC, I'm dead and you're MIA.  He made HYDRA his war.  I knew he was good with a bow, but seeing him with a blade, well, I didn't sleep too well in the hospital after I brought him in.  Maria's on Stark's team, not SHIELD's, so he trusts her backup over Coulson's.  Coulson hasn't been told yet, by the way."  
  
"Fair play since he hasn't told Tony about AIM," Steve says, turning his attention back to his file.  "There are some leftovers in the kitchen.  You're sticking around that long for us to get through this folder."  
  
"I should probably let Pablo out of the trunk first."  
  
"Yes, please do that first," Steve sighs.  
  


* * *

  
"I think we should go public first.  Maybe leave the press conference and head right to the compound," Steve says across the table.  
  
He made stir-fry tonight with Maria's apology gift wok and they had to migrate to the dining room with Barton's silent and heavy presence.  The Duchess didn't take well to him sitting on her stool.  
  
Natasha spent six hours locked in Maria's apartment with Barton before she declared him on the level and brought him back to the mansion.  
  
Steve's waiting for Clint to come to him but they all need to eat.  There are new lines on Barton's face, new darkness behind his eyes, that none of them want to ask about over dinner."  
  
"Uh, what are we going public with?" Bruce asks, lowering his chopsticks from his lips.  
  
He's talked about it with Tony but this is the first time everyone's been together since the Chitauri.  "I'm not an agent of SHIELD.  I'm not a soldier in the US Army, or any of the spinoffs," he says, poking at a mushroom with his fork.  He will always fail at chopsticks with his new thick new fingers.  "If that makes me a terrorist, so be it, but I'm going to bring HYDRA down."  
  
"I didn't even know you could make sushi at home," Tony says absently.  "Maria's been collecting lost agents for months, hiring them for Stark Industries. Not a lot of people want to be a part of SHIELD, even under Coulson.  But they believe in Captain America."  
  
Natasha hums.  "I wondered who you were housing in the Tower.  Nice call."  
  
"It's unspoken but understood.  I've never met most of them, but Maria and JARVIS vet them thoroughly.  When we go after this compound, they'll be ready.  But I want to make my intentions clear," Steve continues.  "The leaked Intel laid out the enemy and I want to make sure the public knows that I'm going to fight in the war that I started.  The Winter Soldier didn't break me.  Not forever, anyway."  
  
"Have you been hiding out playing house this whole time?  The world's gone to shit and you just..." Barton spits out suddenly.  
  
"Hey," Bruce says sharply.  "Cap's paid his dues.  He knows when to take himself out of the field."  
  
"Maybe if he had more friends and less traitors on his six he wouldn't have needed such a long break.  You made your choice to go solo, you don't get to judge fallout you weren't a part of," Natasha says.  
  
Steve's touched that his friends are sticking up for him but Clint isn't telling lies.  "I didn't have anything left to fight for when I found the Winter Solder.  Hell, I didn't have a life to lose, this isn't my time, it'll never be my time.  I was spent.  Out of gas.  But Natasha covered my ass from the politicians, Tony and Bruce gave me a place to crash and I bought a cat.  Captain America is a superhero, but Steve Rogers is a man."  
  
"We would have come for you if we'd known you were on our side," Natasha says quietly.  
  
Barton nods finally because he has to know it's true.  
  
"Do you want in?  Not with Stark's minions, but with us?" Steve asks.  
  
Clint sighs and deflates, dropping his chopsticks and picking up a fork.  "If you'll have me.  I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't apologize, just come back to us, okay?  And you have to make nice with the Duchess," Steve says.  
  
"Now that's settled, let's spitball this attack plan.  I have to decide if I'm going to have to apologize to Pepper before or after the press conference," Tony says.  
  
Steve frowns at him.  "You already know the answer to that."  
  
"Should we wait for Thor?" Clint asks.  
  
"Thor threw his hammer in with Coulson.  He's our backup, but I don't want to have SHIELD mucking up the ambush," Steve says.  "I don't want to worry about sorting through the good guys and the bad guys this time.  They can have cleanup duty on whatever ashes we leave behind."  
  
"Maria and Fury will tell Phil," Clint says slowly.  
  
"Maria and Nick are mine," Steve says.  "They won't go to the new SHIELD unless it goes bad.  They use their own judgement."  
  
Clint nods, thoughtful but much more at ease.  "I'm definitely in, Cap.  Does the Duchess like tuna?"  
  
Natasha scoffs.  "Tuna's beneath her, she prefers caviar."


	4. Chapter 4

_And I told you to be patient  
and I told you to be fine_

 

Sam's not sure he's hearing Steve correctly.  "I'm sorry, can you say that again?"  
  
Steve smiles.  He's been doing more of that lately even if Sam's only witnessed it through a computer screen.  "Too soon?"  
  
"I don't know because you haven't filled me in.  You want me to - "  
  
Steve nods before he finishes.  "Yup.  I want you to pack up and come to New York.  If you want.  I need my team together to shut down a base.  A big one."  
  
He waits but Steve stops.  "And James?"  
  
"Bring him with you.  I might not put him in the field because I haven't seen how he works, but - "  
  
Sam holds up his hand.  "Stop.  Full stop.  That's not what I'm asking and you know it."  
  
Steve sighs, but he doesn't deflate.  His shoulders don't fall and his eyes don't dim.  "I need you at my side again.  I trust you and you told me that James is stable.  Is that still true?"  
  
Sam nods.  James is as stable as Sam can hope for.  "He's steady."  
  
"Tell me about him.  _James_ ," Steve says after a beat.  "Would you trust him in the field?  Would you trust him to follow my orders?  To cover our backs?"  
  
"Yeah.  He's been running training ops with us.  He's a decent shot, but not as good as Bucky.  He's decent on the ground, but not like the Asset.  He followed orders every time, except the time they gave them faulty orders to test them.  He dropped position and got the decoys out of the attack zone even though they were instructed to leave them as collateral damage.  He has friends, hell, I think he's got a couple of girlfriends.  At least one boyfriend," Sam adds, watching Steve for a reaction.  
  
But Steve is steady, too.  Sam wishes he'd been there to help him, to see the shift but he's relieved that Steve's friends managed to get him this far.  
  
"We're going in quiet," Steve says.  "Just my team.  Natasha, Barton, and you, if you're available.  Tony's got air support, but he's not going to be on site so I'd like to have someone not remote controlled in the sky.  Tony and Bruce are staying back for emergencies with the Stark troops and Thor and his guys are third string.  SHIELD's not invited, not until we have it secured."  
  
"That sounds a little crazy.  How big is this base, Cap?" Sam asks carefully.  
  
Steve shrugs.  "Big.  But the Commandos could have done it and none of them had superpowers or wings.  We can do it, if we plan it right and work together.  I don't know James to know if he fits so you'll have to bring him out to the mansion so I can meet him.  I thought he'd be better in the Tower with Maria's recruits but if you think he's better on the front lines with us, I have to vet him.  I don't know him and the others don't know him so there's a good chance he won't gel with us.  We're moving on the base in six days."  
  
The rumbling half-purr, half-meow warns Sam of Steve's favorite sidekick's arrival and the Duchess fills the screen.  She climbs on Steve's shoulders and licks at his cheek.  
  
"I saw Bucky and The Asset in action, I know what they were capable of.  James is a different person and I haven't seen him in the field," Steve says.  
  
"I'm more worried about you handling yourself around James than I am about how he'll be in the field," Sam states.  Steve seems entirely too okay with the James/Bucky/Asset issue.  
  
Steve's eyes flash.  "I don't know James so you shouldn't have anything to worry about unless he turns out to be a jerk."  He looks away.  "I'll never fully get over losing Bucky, but I know, now,  _for sure_ , that I lost my Bucky, decades ago.  I've marked down finding James as a success because it eliminated The Asset, not because I found Bucky."  
  
Big words, but Sam wants to believe it.  The James and Steve reunion will be the test that makes or breaks them all.  
  


* * *

  
"I went nuts," Clint says.  Steve's doing push-ups with the Duchess' help as she stands on his back flicking her tail and enjoying the ride.  
  
"Happens," Steve replies.  
  
Clint sits down on the grass and folds his hands in his lap.  "They were my friends.  I've worked at SHIELD for 15 years - before I was legal to drive a car, I was on the payroll.  When they accepted me back after Loki, it was validation that I was a good man, a man worth saving.  Then Fury dies and you bring the whole thing down around me.  My friends - " he huffs out a false laugh.  "They didn't question my swift allegiance to HYDRA.  I thought...I thought at least one of the survivors was on the good side.  That I could find someone to save.  But I didn't.  They were all rotten.  I was best man at Yuri's wedding.  I babysat Bridgers' kids.  I went to Morgan's ma's funeral.  They weren't brainwashed.  They _believed_.  Their last words were 'Heil HYDRA'.  I killed half the base before I even picked up a gun.  I haven't picked up my bow since I saw your shield drop into the water."  
  
Steve aborts his push-ups since he's lost count, and sits up.  The Duchess gets bored with him when he moves to sit across from Clint.  "It took too long to find the Winter Soldier.  We took down a few bases before we got close.  First assault, I threw my shield and sliced a man's head off.  Caught the shield, still dripping with blood and kept going, I didn't even process what I'd done.  Sam said he heard the head hit the floor, said he hears it in his sleep.  I couldn't deal with the blood after the first two bases.  I went for the neck, not the throat.  I hear the snaps in my dreams."  
  
He leans forward.  "This is war, Clint.  You didn't do those things because you enjoyed it.  You did them because they needed to be done."  Clint won't meet his eyes.  "Why did you let us believe you were a traitor?  We looked for you, we did research to get an extraction team to you - Natasha and I hacked into satellites when I was still in the hospital recovering and everything - _everyone_ \- confirmed you were HYDRA."  
  
Clint takes a shallow breath.  "I didn't know for sure if I could get out, so I decided to get in.  I didn't worry about getting out after that."  
  
"As someone well-acquainted with deathwishes, Clint, they rarely turn out the way we think they will.  Promise me one thing."  
  
He meets his eyes.  "What?"  
  
"You'll tell someone next time you go rogue.  I don't think Natasha could take it if you leave again," Steve says honestly.  
  
Clint makes a cross over his heart and scans his face.  "Why do you trust me?  Every time, you just..."  
  
"I don't know how to play both sides, I'll always be a bad poker player because I can barely bluff.  But I know that you do the right thing, even if you have to do bad things to get there," Steve says.  "I believe that you were trying to do the right thing, and it's good to know that HYDRA's dead in South America; but solo is a no-go.  Tony, me and Sam, we know that now."  
  
"I have to work a little harder to get Natasha to forgive me," Clint says.  "The Duchess was cake compared to her."  The cat flicks her tail in their general direction.  
  


* * *

  
He thinks he's ready.  His mind's distracted by attack scenarios and backup plans, his hands are busy chopping tomatoes and onions and his mouth's occupied with a tootsie pop.  Natasha knows how much he likes candy.  
  
He's ready to meet James.  Sam's coming back, Barton's here and he's not going to slip when he's climbed this far.  He's not a coward.  
  
His friends are here and his cat's here and he's going to make lunch and everyone likes lunch.  
  
"You're freaking out," Tony announces.  He doesn't jump but he does drop the knife.  
  
Steve doesn't deny it.  He takes a breath.  "You know, I used to think of Howard every time I looked at you.  When you called me on it, that only made it worse."  He wipes the knife clean and turns to him.  "Then I got to know you and there's no comparison now.  I never think about Howard when I talk to you."  
  
Tony hums.  "Howard wasn't your best friend from birth, though."  
  
"Bucky died on a train," Steve says.  "James is a friend of Sam's.  The Duchess and I have conferred on this at length, Tony.  Brainwashing, mutants, sentient robots - I'm keeping up as best I can.  If I can't face James then I'll never be able to beat HYDRA."  
  
Tony nods.  "Fair enough.  But I'm going to go ahead and issue a blanket apology for the rest of us.  We don't know James but we all saw the vids of the Asset.  Don't hold it against us if we're not as quick to see the difference."  
  
Steve turns his attention back to the tomatoes.  "Bucky's gone.  I can't put a dead man before my friends anymore."  
  
"Maybe we should all have a cat for a therapist," Tony says quietly.  
  
He smiles.  "She disagrees with me a lot if treats or yarn aren't involved."  
  
Tony's filled his quota of serious conversation for the moment and calls up a hologram on his tablet with the now familiar map of the HYDRA compound.  There are still a lot of grey spots on the color-coded floor plan where they wouldn't know what they'd be walking into but Tony has satellites working overtime to get the intel.  He doesn't want to set off a bomb he didn't plant himself.  
  
He listens to Tony's suggestions about camera placement and instructions about the complicated gear he'll be carrying as he coats the pasta with cheese and slides it into the preheated over.  
  
The Duchess lets out her warning yowls from the front door before he remembers that they're having guests.  
  
Tony raises his fist and Steve huffs out a laugh and bumps his knuckles with him.  He has friends.  No matter what happens with James, he'll still have friends.  
  
He opens the door and Sam ambushes him into a hug.  "Damn, you didn't have to set the hounds of hell on us - is that the Duchess making all that noise?"  
  
"Oh - kitten, she's so pretty - "  
  
Steve doesn't recognize the voice and when James crouches down and coos at the Duchess, he knows that he's definitely not Bucky.  
  


* * *

  
“So, we need to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk, I’m told,” James says, leaning back on the couch.  Tony and Sam are sticking close and he knows Natasha and Barton are probably lurking somewhere.  Bruce has chosen to hide out in his lab and finish some experiments before their upcoming attack.  
  
Tony glances at him but Sam pulls his attention back to the upgraded prototype of his wings.  
  
Steve can’t ignore the Duchess purring on James’ knee.  “My friend, the one you used to be, he hated cats.  To the point that he wouldn’t be in the same room with them.  He broke up with girls if they had cats, really nice-looking girls.”  
  
James frowns but it isn’t the Winter Soldier’s grimace.  “That’s crazy.  I wouldn’t pass up pussy because of, well, pussy.”  
  
Steve winces.  “Don’t use that word.”  
  
“Sorry,” James shrugs with a crooked grin.  It would be wrong on Bucky’s face but it fits James.  
  
“Tell me about yourself.  Sam says you’ve been catching up on some things.”  
  
James shrugs again.  “Bucky and the Asset were soldiers.  I’d like to think I’m more of a lover than a fighter.  And yes, I do get regular STD tests.  But I have their skills even if I don’t have their memories so I figure, go with what I know.  Sam seems to think my metal arm gets me fast-tracked to the front lines but I’ve only seen you in vids and your battles seem, well, a little out of my league.”  
  
Steve sees Tony poking Sam in the chest over Bucky’s shoulder.  “We’ll have to run some training with you.  I won’t put you in the field if you’re not ready.  The way you’re talking makes me think you need to sit this one out.  We can’t afford clumsy mistakes.  Your arm, well, it’s a weapon we could use but you’re lacking confidence.”  
  
James gives him another crooked smile and a wink.  "Oh, I've got confidence, stud."  Steve blinks at him.  
  
“Hey, what did I say about flirting with people that are emotionally compromised?” Sam interrupts, narrowing his eyes at James.  
  
He holds up his hands and laughs good-naturedly.  “Sorry, habit.  I’m pretty sure the Asset was celibate but damned if I’m not going to make up for lost time.”  
  
Steve snorts.  Bucky was never into men.  Even his flirt’s different.  He thought this would be painful, that he would be ripped apart all over again, but this – _James_ \- is not Bucky Barnes.  
  
Steve feels like he's surfacing.  He can breathe.    
  
“It’s nice to meet you, James,” Steve says, holding out his hand to shake.  The Duchess purrs and hops out of James’ lap and climbs into Steve’s to make sure he knows he’s her favorite.  
  
“You, too, Cap.  I promise to watch my language and not hit on any of your team,” James smiles and grips his hand tightly with his flesh one.  
  
“Your fingers are crossed behind your back,” Steve points out.  
  
Sam snickers and swats James.  “Told you he’d see through you.”  
  
Tony sighs dramatically.  “I guess that’s my queue to play nice.  Come on, James, you need all the scans and I want to check out that arm before Cap brings you out for training.  We saw you – sorry, The Asset, we saw him catch the shield in that arm and that’s more than any of us have been able to do.”  
  
“I thought you had some super-powered metal suit,” James says, suspicious but still with a hint of mirth in his eyes.  
  
Tony shrugs.  “Cap’s got a helluva throw.  Come with me, the sooner I get a fix on that arm, the sooner we can see what it can do."  
  
Sam sprawls across the couch when James follows Tony from the room.  "That wasn't so bad, was it?  Now it's time for our 'come to Jesus' talk."  
  



	5. Chapter 5

  
_I don't have the right name_   
_Or the right looks_   
_But I have twice the heart_   
  


"We don't trust you," the redhead pinning him facedown in the grass hisses in his ear.  
  
"Yeah, I caught on to that already," James replies but his words are muffled by dirt.  Gross.  He's starting to regret letting Sam bring him to the mansion.  
  
Sure, he needed to meet Steve, or Cap as he's decided to call him - but his friends weren't very...friendly.  
  
He gets it.  He's an assassin in their eyes.  He's a ghost in Cap's.  Sam and his friends from the secret barracks know him, know James.  He can't live up to Bucky's reputation, and he doesn't want to live up to the Asset's.  
  
Cap accepted him easily and James didn’t see any sign of the 'emo' that Sam warned him about.  Cap seems like a good guy and James genuinely likes him.  Tony's a little eccentric, but he's polite enough.  Natasha and Clint are not polite.  He hasn't even met the green guy yet.  
  
He doesn't fit with Cap's team.  With Sam's team.  Hell, he might not fit with Maria's soldiers.  
  
Being here only drives home the fact that he's not a real person.  He's not whole.  
  
He's a refurbished model of two men that he'll never be.  He's inferior to Bucky and the Asset in every way.  He isn't a soldier and he isn't an assassin.  
  
James isn't real.  He's alive, but that's the only proof he has that he's a man.  And not even that, monsters are alive, too.  
  
She finally releases the pressure on his head and he turns his head aside and spits the dirt and grass out of his mouth.  She doesn't get off his back, waiting.  
  
"I can't tap out because you're holding my arms, but can I just say 'uncle'?" he asks.  
  
"You could throw me across the field," she says.  
  
He probably can but he doesn't want to hurt her.  He sighs.  "Okay, we'll just stay here a little longer then."  
  
She climbs off him and yanks him upright.  "Why won't you fight me?"  
  
"We were supposed to be sparring and you're better than I am so it's all I can do to keep up.  Sorry I wasn't up to your standards, but you knew that already," James replies.  
  
Her eyes skim across him as if she can peel him raw.  She probably can.  
  
He holds up both hands.  He's going to have to polish the fuck out of his prosthetic later.  "I'm going to assume that the Asset messed with you before he got wiped out.  I can't apologize for him because I wasn't around then, all I can do is give you my word that he's not me.  You don't have to believe me, hell, nobody that knows the story believes me - but that's all I can give you."  
  
She doesn't react.  At first.  He makes a small movement to start his escape but she snatched his flesh wrist.  "How you can just forget all of it?"  
  
James shrugs.  "Science, I guess.  HYDRA used electroshock shit on Bucky and damaged his brain, made him into a puppet.  I don't think they gave the Asset guy a personality, you don't need one to be able to kill efficiently.  Cap broke something in their heads.  Bucky woke up in there but he couldn't live with the Asset's memories."  He shrugs again.  "I don't remember.  I just know what they showed me on the videos when they begged Sam and Cap to kill them.  I heal, right?  Docs cut open my head and cut out some metal and some brains.  They cut out the memory part, the broken parts and my brain grew back clean."  
  
It's an oversimplified explanation but he knows Natasha is in touch with Sam so she should know the details already.  
  
"So there's nothing left.  No memories, no skills..."  
  
"I have bad dreams, but nothing that I can place after I'm awake.  The docs say I still have skills, muscle memory and whatnot but I think they're full of it.  I can speak a ton of languages, though, so that's cool.  Am I free to limp back into my doghouse now?" James asks.  
  
She flinches.  "No.  No, you can't.  If you retained the languages, then you had to retain the skills.  You just have to learn to consciously use them.  How's your short-term memory?"  
  
"Epic.  Docs say it's eidetic, like my mind's trying to fill up the blank space.  I don't have Bucky or the Asset's memories, I just have their dreams sometimes, but they fade before I get breakfast.  And they're really fucked up," James replies.  
  
"I can work with that.  Get up, shake it off and we're going to start over now that I believe you," she says decisively.  
  
"No time out?  Seriously?" James groans.  
  
She grins and he remembers that she could kill him with a flick of the wrist.  He gets up.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Okay, guys.  After the press conference, we're going to head straight to the base.  Barton, Romanov, I want you both with me when I go in.  Barnes, I want you to play spotter, Sam's going to drop you here," Steve says, pointing to a dot on the holographic map.  "Stark's staying back with Bruce and they're going to be following the heat signatures and directing the backup troops and the scouting teams on the perimeter.  We get in, get as much intel as we can and then we're burning it down."  
  
James raises his hand.  "You sure you want me up there?"  
  
"I vouched, you might now feel comfortable sniping but you've got the best eyes if I'm not available," Clint says.  "This isn't a test or a training run, I wouldn't give up my perch if I didn't think you could handle it."  
  
"And I wouldn't put you on the lead team if I didn't think you could handle it," Steve agrees.  "If you want to sit out - "  
  
James shakes his head.  "No - I want in.  Those people, HYDRA, they stole my life.  I might not have a bloodthirst for revenge, but I definitely want some."  
  
"We've got enough bloodthirst to go around, don't worry about that part," Tony chimes in darkly.  
  
Steve nods.  "Right.  We move tomorrow, so study your spots, look at the photos and satellite imagery so you can recognize our entries and exits.  Study the intel we have on the soldiers' skills and training.  We all know things rarely go to plan, so let's make sure we think through as many FUBAR scenarios that we can."  
  
"Homework, got it," Sam says, giving him a thumbs up.  
  
"We're already forgetting a major problem with the plan," Natasha says.  
  
Everyone turns to her.  She's sitting with the Duchess purring in her lap.  
  
"Oh God, who's going to watch the cat?" Bruce realizes.  
  
"True, that thing went nuts when you were in the shower this morning," Sam says.  "She was climbing the curtains."  
  
Steve holds up his hand.  "That wasn't because of me, she finds those curtains personally offensive."  
  
"Happy's cat-sitting," Tony says before anyone else can chime in.  "Steve owes him two dozen of those Macadamia nut cookies and the price of stitches if she gets too rowdy."  
  
Natasha nods, accepting the plan.  Steve has a rush of warmth that his friends are so concerned about his pet.  She's more than a pet to him now, but he's surprised by how well his friends have bonded with her too.  She requires full attention and affection at all times and the distraction and simplicity of pleasing a needy cat brings a peace that he had lost in the years since his resurrection.  
  
His team feels complete for the first time and they're going to cut off another head of HYDRA tomorrow.  It's time he gets back into the fight, with people he trusts with his life for the first time since the 40's.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Title belongs to Nate Ruess
> 
> Lyric tags belong to in order:
> 
> Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Jay-Z, Bon Iver


End file.
